I think it’s cool that the Japanese can fold pieces of paper and get it to look like something else.  My problem with it is, why does it always have to be a swan, or a flower or a swan or a flower.. or a flower that looks like a swan?  Why can’t they fold paper into more interesting shapes?

So I’m going to pretend I’ve written a new Origami book.   And I’m going to send out the book proposal email to various literary agents and see what they think.

Original email sent to various literary agents:

Dear agent,

I have been doing origami for many years.  I know what you’re thinking, dear agent.  You’re thinking “Oh, no.  Not another proposal for an origami book!”
Well, I’ll have you know I am no ordinary origamist.  No, sir!

I have spent years perfecting the art of folding paper to resemble obscene objects.  This work has culminated in my new book: “The Filthy Origamist.”

In this book, I combine the ancient Japanese art of paper folding with the ancient American tradition of smut.  My book will describe the history of Japanese origami which has its origins in ceremonial paper folding.  I will also include a section on Joseph Albers, the father of modern color theory and minimalistic art who taught origami and paper folding in the 1920s and 30s.

The last section of my book will contain designs and photographs of what I call “Filthy Origami.”  Some examples of “Filthy Origami” include “The Floating Beaver”, “The Lotus Reverse 69” and “”Flogging the Dolphin.”

I think “The Filthy Origamist” will appeal to people who have an interest in the ancient Oriental art of paper-folding as well as perverts in general.  You have to admit, these are two groups of society that probably do not have a huge overlap.  Since these groups are almost mutually exclusive, I believe my book will have wide appeal.

Please let me know if you have any questions about this book.  Also, let me know if you would like to see a complete proposal for this book.

Thank You
Edward Lister

 Response from a Literary Agency in London:

Dear Edward,

Thank you for your e-mail. Unfortunately, however, we’re not currently taking on any more authors. Sorry for the disappointing news.

I do hope you can find another literary agent to represent you, Edward, and let me wish you the very best in your literary pursuits.

kind regards,

Darin

Response from a Literary Agency in Australia:

Dear Edward

Original idea and thanks for thinking of us. But my view is this will struggle to find a market, and so I’ll politely decline.

regards
John

Response from a Literary Agency in England:

Dear Edward,

Thank you for your email. This isn’t quite what I am looking for at present.

Do try other agencies.

Best wishes,

Isabel

The Floating Beaver

Tom Cruise, who fails to assassinate Adolf Hitler in his new movie “Valkyrie,” said he grew up really wanting to kill the Nazi leader.

In the World War Two thriller based on a true story of the unsuccessful attempt by German soldiers to kill Hitler, Cruise plays Colonel Claus Von Stauffenberg who plants a briefcase bomb under a table at Hitler’s military headquarters.

A heavy wooden table saves Hitler and Stauffenberg is executed with his co-conspirators.

“I always wanted to kill Hitler, I hated him,” the Hollywood star of such major blockbusters as “Top Gun” and “Mission Impossible,” told the press during a visit to Seoul to promote his latest film.

“As a child studying history and looking at documents, I wondered, why didn’t someone stand up and try to stop it? When I read the script, it was entertaining and informative to know what the challenges were and what it was like to be in the environment.”

I find this article to be interesting because just like how Tom Cruise grew up wanting to kill Hitler, I grew up wanting to kill Hitler and Tom Cruise.  Not necessarily in that order. 

I can’t believe this was even reported as news.  I mean, is it really big news that Tom Cruise doesn’t like Hitler?  Just because a celebrity has an opinion on a historical figure, is that considered newsworthy?  Or maybe this is news because Tom Cruise is considered to be so crazy that if he says something vaguely sane, it’s deemed to be newsworthy? 

And another thing, I find it hard to believe Tom Cruise was a “child studying history and looking at documents”.  I find it easier to believe Tom Cruise was a child who was dancing in his underwear in preparation for future movie roles.

Top five other things Tom Cruise grew up wanting to kill

1. His latent homosexual desires.
2. Couches.
3. Those voices in his head.
4. James Dean.  Oh sorry, that’s one of the top five things Tom Cruise grew up wanting to drill.
5. Pol Pot.

Tom Cruise shows Oprah the technique he used to crush his latent homosexual desires

Police say he absconded with the nurse shark about 7 p.m. on Dec. 12, after entering Total Aquarium in Lynbrook. They say he used a stolen credit card to buy the $300 eel from a different pet shop on Jan 2.

The 30-year-old suspect is expected to be arraigned on charges of grand larceny and petit larceny on Thursday. The fish are being cared for at a pet shop.

According to Wikipedia,
“Nurse sharks are so-called because their method of feeding on prey larger than their mouths is to bite down and slowly suck the prey’s flesh down their throats.”

Yeah, that sounds like something I would put under my jacket.
There are probably 382 different things I would steal from an aquarium before I would attempt to shoplift a nurse shark.  And here’s the thing, If I needed a shark and an eel and was only willing to pay for one of them, I would have paid for the shark and stolen the eel.
But the craziest part of this story is how nobody stopped him before he left the Total Aquarium with the shark.

So here’s  the Top five excuses of the Total Aquarium employees for not noticing a man leaving the store with an unpaid shark.

1. “Um, pretty sure he came in the store with a shark.”
2. “Thought we were giving away free nurse sharks this week.”
3. “Hey, have you ever tried to stop a man with a shark?!”
4. “He was wearing a shark shaped jacket.”
5.  “Are you serious?  He stole a shark?  Oh my God, I’m an idiot!”

Total Aquarium employee after being notifed nurse shark was stolen.

I came across this news story the other day (scroll down to read my comments):

Obama look-alike shoots to fame in Indonesia

JAKARTA (Reuters) – Indonesian photographer Ilham Anas won’t be at U.S. President Barack Obama’s inauguration on Tuesday. Instead he’ll be starring as an Obama look-alike on Indonesian TV.

Anas, 34, who from some angles bears a resemblance to the new U.S. president, shot to fame in Jakarta after Obama, 47, won the election in November, and is now earning income as an Obama double.

Many Indonesians have a keen interest in Obama, who lived in Jakarta for four years after his American mother, Ann Dunham, married Muslim Indonesian Lolo Soetoro following the end of her marriage to Obama’s Kenyan father.

“When Obama won, my colleagues played a practical joke on me — they made me wear a suit, a tie, and took pictures of me posing as Obama,” Anas told Reuters on Saturday.

 ”The pictures spread very quickly on the Internet. It was phenomenal. Then TV stations and an advertising agency got in touch with me.”

 That led to an appearance in a pharmaceuticals advertisement in the Philippines where he played Obama, who is due to be sworn in as the 44th U.S. president on Tuesday.

Anas, who was born and raised in Bandung, West Java, said he feels lucky to resemble Obama.

“I never thought I would be a star in a commercial, then this happened. It’s very fortunate,” Anas said.

“I was in the airport in Malaysia in transit and a man approached me and asked: ‘Are you Obama?’. I was very surprised when he asked to take a picture together and bought me a meal,” said Anas, flashing a broad smile.

If he ever gets the chance to meet Obama, Anas said he would ask the U.S. president to take a firm stance in dealing with the conflict between Israel and Palestine.

Barack Obama

Obama Look-alike Ilham Anas

 
I really wish people told the truth when talking to reporters. Hey Ilham Anas, I know it’s neat that you landed a commercial. And some guy mistook you for Obama at the Malaysian Airport. Yay! Who cares? Why don’t you tell us what’s really going on in your life?

If Ilham Anas was a bit more candid and wasn’t holding back so much, the exchange could have gone like this:

Reporter: “So how has your life changed since the election of Barack Obama?”

Anas: “This is getting me more tail that I could have ever dreamed of.”

Reporter: “That’s interesting. So it sounds like you’re more popular with the ladies. Good. Now, I understand you’re going to be in a pharmaceutical commercial. Can you tell us more about that?”

Anas: “No, I mean seriously tons of tail.”

Reporter: “Okay, sounds like you’re having a good time. Anyway, after you do the TV commercial, do you have any plans to do more acting?”

Anas: “I haven’t had to pay for sex since November 2008!”

Reporter: “Um, yes, well… so, do you think you’d like to meet Barack Obama one day?”

Anas: “Strange ladies asking me to sleep with them and their daughters. It’s crazy I tell you! Do you have a daughter by the way? Ha ha, I’m just kidding!”

Reporter: “Not to change the subject but… tell me what you would say to Barack Obama if you ever met him.”

Anas: “A couple of times husbands want me to do it with them and their wives! But I say ‘No, I have to think about that one.’ Ha ha ha!”

Reporter: “Have you ever followed American politics before this election or is this the first one you’ve really been interested in?”

Anas: “Before, for me, it’s sometimes hard to get ugly girls, you know. But now I won’t hit anything that’s less than a 9.7….. No make that a 9.8… No sorry, 9.7 is good enough!”

Reporter: “Yes, I get it. Your love life has improved. Let’s move on. Do you have any plans to get into politics yourself?”

Anas: “Obama’s campaign slogan was ‘Yes We Can!’ My campaign slogan’s gonna be ‘Yes We Can… Get Laid!’ Ha ha ha. Hey, do you know of any place around here I can get contraceptives?”

Barack Obama after giving his sixth Oral Address of the day

Ilham Anas after receiving Oral for the sixth time in one day

Wildlife officials have spent hours trying to capture a rhesus monkey on the loose in Tampa Bay that is known to throw feces when it’s angry.

The effort to track the primate has been going on since Tuesday afternoon, but it managed to evade a bucket truck and tranquilizer dart.

“I saw it last night,” resident Dawnmaria Bonfessuto told MyFOXTampBay.com. “Someone told me it was a raccoon. And I’m like, that doesn’t look like a raccoon to me!”

Gary Morse with the Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission says the adult male is likely a full-grown rhesus macaque, common in Thailand and India, weighing about 45 pounds and standing about 3 feet tall.

The animal is thought to have escaped from an unlicensed source and was last seen in Clearwater.

The monkey is not considered dangerous.

Any time there’s a story like this, they always manage to interview someone who’s got really nothing to add to the story.  

DawnMaria Bonfessuto said “Someone told me it was a raccoon. And I’m like, that doesn’t look like a raccoon to me!”.  Wow, that’s the best quote the reporters could come up with?
Didn’t DawnMaria have anything else interesting to say?

Top seven other things said by DawnMaria Bonfessuto during her interview with MyFOXTampaBay.com

1. “Someone told me it was throwing mud.  And I’m like that doesn’t look like mud to me!”
2. “Is this going to be on TV?”
3. “Does anyone know how to get monkey feces out of a cotton/polyester shirt?”
4. “Does the monkey throw feces only when he’s angry?  How about when he’s only slightly peeved?”
5. “Does anyone know how to get monkey feces out of rayon pants?”
6. “God, I hope this isn’t the highlight of my life!”
7. “Does anyone know how to get monkey feces out of suede shoes?”

 DawnMaria Bonfessuto about to be disappointed at the dry cleaners.

There was just one problem — the funeral home was across the street from the sheriff’s office.  Officers say Robert Lee Lewis left the light on in the basement of the Higginbotham Funeral Home in Walnut Ridge on Dec. 3.

Officers noticed the light on after hours and walked into the funeral home through an open door. 

Inside, police say they found all the components necessary to build a meth lab. Officers arrested the former funeral home employee when he returned.  The 43-year-old faces several drug charges and is free on $2,500 bond pending a Jan. 21 court hearing.

A telephone number for Lewis could not be found Thursday night.

Okay, so this article makes Robert Lee Lewis sound like an idiot for trying to build a meth lab right by the Sheriff’s office.  But in fairness to Robert Lee Lewis, I’m fairly sure Walnut Ridge, Arkansas isn’t exactly the size of say, Chicago.

In fact, if you go there, you’ll see that pretty much everything in Walnut Ridge, Arkansas is right across from the Sheriff’s office.  I wouldn’t be surprised to find out there are only two buildings in Walnut Ridge: the Sheriff’s office and the Higginbotham Funeral Home.

A quick search on Google Maps proves I was almost right.  There are three buildings in Walnut Ridge, Arkansas:

So as you can see, Robert Lee Lewis didn’t have many choices.
And now here’s 

Robert Lee Lewis’s list of potential places to build a meth lab:

Even the most quirky of computer nerds can learn to flirt with finesse thanks to a new “flirting course” being offered to budding IT engineers at Potsdam University south of Berlin.

The 440 students enrolled in the master’s degree course will learn how to write flirtatious text messages and emails, impress people at parties and cope with rejection.
Philip von Senftleben, an author and radio presenter who will teach the course, summed up his job as teaching how to “get someone else’s heart beating fast while yours stays calm.”

The course, which starts next Monday, is part of the social skills section of the IT course and is designed to ease entry into the world of work. Students also learn body language, public-speaking, stress management and presentation skills.

“We want to prepare our students with the social skills needed to succeed both in their private life and their work life,” said Hans-Joachim Allgaier, a spokesman for the institute at Potsdam University where the course is being offered.

The three main topics in this course are stated as “How to write flirtatious text messages and emails”, “Impress people at parties” and “Cope with rejection”.

If I was the instructor, here’s how I would divide up the time between the topics covered:
 
I like how Mr. von  Senftleben describes his job as teaching how to “get someone else’s heart beating fast while yours stays calm.”

So here’s Philip von Senftleben’s top five ways to “”get someone else’s heart beating fast while yours stays calm.”

1. “Tell them their family died.”
2. “Challenge them to a game of ‘I stand still while you do jumping jacks.’”
3. “Push them into oncoming trafffic.”
4. “Send them a flirtatious text message.  No wait, there’s no way in hell that’s gonna work!”
5. “Tell a nerd that he must pass a Social Skills course in order to get his degree.”